Ask Cartoon Girl | the five P's of attending a reading

Dear Cartoon Girl,

I will soon be attending a reading by one of my favorite authors.  Actually his novels are just okay, but HE is absolutely gorgeous.  How do I catch his attention without appearing over-anxious?

-- Counting the Days

Dear Counting,

Remember the five P's.

1.  Be purposeful.  Show up for the reading like this is where you mean to be.  Don't come dressed in gardening clothes.  No tennis togs.  Wear what you'd wear to lunch with a friend in a nice but not fancy restaurant.

2.  Be punctual.  Show up early -- how early will depend on the writer's popularity -- and get a good seat, not necessarily front-row but close enough so that the experience will feel intimate. 

3.  Be prepared.  Come with an intelligent question in mind, one you'd genuinely like an answer to, and don't be shy about asking it -- but wait for the Q&A.  Raise your hand politely; don't wave it in the air.  Don't sigh aloud if someone else gets called on first.

Some good questions: "What gave you the idea for this book?"  "All of your books are set in [Appalachia, the desert, the jungle, outer space, Michigan]; would you talk about the influence of geography on your work?"  "How do you know so much about [taxidermy, geology, music, pyrotechnics]?"  "How did you decide what form this book should take?"  Writers love talking about these things. They love readers who give them a chance to. 

Questions not to ask: "Do you use a pen or a pencil?" "Is this novel true or is it fiction?"  "How much money do you expect to make?" "Do you ever worry your good looks keep you from being taken seriously?"  "Does it bother you not to have won any awards?"

4.  Be pleasant.  As you watch him read, let your eyes be soft, kind, encouraging, forgiving, never hungry or crazed.  Smile when you hear a well-turned phrase -- a slightly dreamy half-smile, like you're remembering some private joke.  Laugh at his jokes, but not too loudly or for too long.  Contain yourself. 

5.  Pay.  Buy the book and get him to sign it.  Thank him.  Maybe as he's passing it back to you your hands will lightly touch.

Love,
Cartoon Girl

Need advice about your writing life?  Ask Cartoon Girl.

Ask Cartoon Girl | jealousy

Dear Cartoon Girl,

I've hit a rough patch in my writing.  Meanwhile, my friend’s book is a bestseller being turned into a movie with a big star and a big director. I want to be happy for her but I’m jealous of her celebrity and, just between you and me, I’m not a big fan of her work. How do I keep from being eaten up by negative thoughts?

— Ashamed of myself


Dear Ashamed,

I bet she’s beautiful, too, with a nice narrow face, hair that does right, and long, shapely legs. I bet she has 20/20 vision and doesn’t have to wear glasses but does anyway sometimes, to make herself look smart. I bet she has a patient husband and well-behaved children and faithful, adoring pets.  I bet she never gets lonely. I bet she’d kill for a little loneliness, in fact, now that she's famous.  An afternoon or a whole day or even a week of being lonely, when she wouldn’t have to act humble and gracious all the time, when she could complain (if there were anyone to complain to) about how everything has changed so much she doesn’t know who she is any more.

As for you, Ashamed: I think you know the way out of your jealousy, the way through your rough patch, the way to become a famous writer like your leggy friend, if that's what you want.  Keep your head down and keep writing.  Try writing a paragraph that doesn't contain the word "big."

Love,
Cartoon Girl 



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Ask Cartoon Girl | substance abuse

Dear Cartoon Girl,

I drink every night. I smoke pot all day. I can’t write if I’m not f****d up. What do you say to that?

— I’ve Published More Books Than Anybody You Know So Don't Tell Me I Can't Drink and Write

Dear I’ve,

Why the asterisks? Don’t be afraid to use words. I know you're trying to be inoffensive, but I’m sure any word you might substitute would be better than asterisks. Fizzed, fecked, fogged, flumed, flared, fuffed — see?  Words, even if they're plain, unpoetic, silly, or made up, are almost always better than asterisks.

About the drinking and pot-smoking: I suspect your problem isn't so much writing as everything else, I've, all the ordinary life stuff that has to be blotted out before you can get to the deepdown place you write from.  Here's a trick I learned from an Amy Hempel character: listen to the song "Jesus Is Waiting" by Reverend Al Green over and over and over again.  Addictive, but not so hard on your liver.

Love,
Cartoon Girl

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Ask Cartoon Girl | success

Dear Cartoon Girl,

After years of toiling in obscurity I am finally getting some attention for my work — and not just in literary circles. I’m talking success beyond my wildest dreams. How can I appear calm and gracious when my insides are doing an all-out happy-dance?

— Unused to the Limelight


Dear Unused,

Well, la-dee-dah, aren’t you special!

Seriously, Unused, it’s okay to be exuberant. You just need to figure out which of your friends can stomach it and hang around with them as much as possible. It’s important (and not just for wildly successful people like you, but for the rest of us, too, still toiling in obscurity) to have friends who are willing to celebrate when good things happen so that we don’t end up exuberating all over everybody (remember poor Sally Field at the Oscars?). Or worse, acting modest when we aren't feeling it. 

Here's what I say: Call up your old teachers.  Take them out for drinks. Give them all the credit. They probably deserve it.

Love,
Cartoon Girl

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Ask Cartoon Girl | despair

Dear Cartoon Girl,

Does it ever seem to you that your life is not your own? That you’ll never have the time or energy or inclination to write again? Do you ever despair, Cartoon Girl?

— About to Give Up


Dear About,

I can’t count the times I’ve decided to stop writing and throw myself full-force into everything else — my day job, the garden I’ve always meant to plant, the rooms that need painting, windows that need washing, clothes that need mending, shoes that need shining, knives that need sharpening. All the movies I’ve never watched, the books I’ve never read. The family and friends I’ve neglected. My cat.

No one ever tries to change my mind. No one shakes me by the shoulders and says, Snap out of it, Cartoon Girl! Go back to your writing! The world is waiting for your magnum opus!

Somehow, though, I always do snap out of it. My day job wears on me. The garden — I forget how much more to it there is than planting. There’s also watering and weeding, and then what do you do with all those vegetables? As for housework, a single Saturday spent cleaning out closets can send me flying to my desk, pen in hand, my hair on end.

Remember that verse in Ecclesiastes, a time to take in, a time to write down? Declare this your time to take in, About. Don’t allow yourself to write at all. Do everything but. See how long you can hold out.

Love,
Cartoon Girl

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